I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
We're too hungover to prance.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
