I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
i need some magic done to my vagina
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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