i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
