I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
