Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
