i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
