Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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