Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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