apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
