Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
