Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
