Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
