I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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