it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I want to be your penis for a week.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
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