Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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