Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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