I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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