yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
