My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
