I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Randomize
