i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
