So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
