smell my finger.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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