Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
