wrigley field is MILF paradise
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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