why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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