there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
this beer tastes like vomit already
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
