I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
