i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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