Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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