Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
