He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Rumble strips road head = magical
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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