i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
