She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
