May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
