I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Randomize
