Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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