I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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