I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
