A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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