Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
