Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
