How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I faked an abortion last night.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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