Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
