My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
