Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
