i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Randomize
