im about as happy as oj after his trial
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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