So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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