i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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